Category Archives: comedy
The TSA and all the terrible time wasting, privacy violating practices that go on at our travel ports are just to keep the owners abreast of our movements, it has nothing to due with YOUR security and everything to do with theirs.
Horoscope For Today…The universe has moved without you.
Born on April the 11th they said I was an Aries, now I am a Pisces WTF?
Curiously the date someone is born never stops them from being an asshole!
Many of us read our horoscopes everyday. But now, it turns out, you may be reading the wrong sign. A shift in the sky over the millenniums altered your zodialogical sign.
The star doctors say Earth right now is in a totally different spot in relation to the sun and its equatorial alignment than it was 3,000 years ago.
That’s when the 12 zodiac signs were assigned.
Those signs you were born into are now not really the same because the Earth’s wobble on its axis means a nearly one-month bump in the stars alignment.
Depending on whether you are on the cusp, your sign either changed or just moved a bit.
Here is the updated list:
Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11
Pisces: March 11-April 18
Aries: April 18-May 13
Taurus: May 13-June 21
Gemini: June 21-July 20
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29
Ophiuchus:* Nov. 29-Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20
* Ophiuchus is a rarely used astrological sign, not included in most versions of the Zodiac. It is also known as Serpentarius.
A Minneapolis astronomy professor says he’s stunned by the attention he’s getting for suggesting the signs of the zodiac are all wrong.
Parke Kunkle said in a newspaper interview that the Earth’s wobbly orbit means it’s no longer aligned to the stars in the same way as when the signs of the zodiac were first conceived. He said that means when astrologers say the sun is in Pisces, it’s really in Aquarius, and so on.
The story went viral, with thousands of people fretting on social networks that their sign might change.
But Kunkle, who teaches at Minneapolis Community and Technical College, said Friday that the shift is “2,000-year-old information.”
Shelley Ackerman, spokeswoman for American Federation of Astrologers, said she’s been swamped with e-mails from worried clients, but tells them “this doesn’t change your chart at all.”
Tom Gobbler woke up Thursday.
Like every other morning Tom checked the want ads for a job.
This morning the paper started trembling in his hands as he read……
Avian Astronaut Wanted, Start Today!!!
Tom washed his wattle and rushed to the interview.
Training started right away.
His clothing was removed in a process that Tom thought to be a
bit barbaric but was told it was necessary to fit in the capsule.
Packing bread up his ass, they told Tom it was provisions for his
mission but the celery hurt and he worried that the added spices
were a bit much.
Tom overheard that the ship was almost to temperature for liftoff.
His arms and legs were tied so he would not interfere with the
inflight controls. The butter they put on him made it slippery to
push buttons anyway, so he didn’t mind.
The people from mission control seemed to resemble each
other and argue a bit, but they all seemed very eager for him
to have a successful trip.
Before he could collect his thoughts, Tom was placed in a
bright silver alloy seat…
A painful monitor was stuck in his chest and Tom, for the
second time that Thursday morning, started trembling.
He was so excited.
Tom was sure he was the FIRST of the Gobblers to ever go to
space, he would get his pick of hens for sure when he got back!
With some debate among the older controllers as to who was
going to do the “interview” with Tom upon his return, he was
wisked into the capsule.
With a squeek and a BANG, the capsule door closed and Tom was
looking out the window at the busy people outside.
Tom was happy that they had removed his clothes as it
was quite warm in the ship.
Actually, it was fucking HOT in the ship.
Toms mind raced.
Could this be a malfunction, another NASA mistake?!!?
Tom started to panic.
“TOM TO GROUND CONTROL”, he screeched, but no answer.
If this was the end, he thought, Tom Gobbler was going to
take it with dignity and grace.
Over the baking heat and crackling in the capsule Tom could
overhear bits and pieces from outside the ship.
….another Cowboy first down…………40% off sale starts
tomorrow……….this is the second year this float has been
in the parade………..
What the hell, Tom thought, if he was going to die he
didn’t mind the hallucinations.
Although brief, Tom realized he had never before been given so
much attention, respect and adoration.
What a grand Thursday!
As he slowly fell asleep, Tom was THANKFUL.